Killing Me Softly
by Ivgie Sole
Summary: One shot. Takaishi Natsuko is trying to reunite with her son, but it's been eight years. Is it too late?


Hi all. Been quite a while since I posted here.

The following is a one shot song fic based on Roberta Flack's "Killing Me Softly", and to a lesser degree on Demis Roussos' "From Souvenirs To Souvenirs". It deals with Yamato's strained relationship with his mother and is told from Natsuko's POV. What else, English is not my native language so I apologize beforehead for any grammatical errors and/or misprints you may find.

I don't own anything, don't shoot me.

R&R and God bless.

KILLING ME SOFTLY

"I would like to leave early today, please."

Chono-san stared at me and started rolling a pencil between his palms.

"How early would that be?"

"About two hours, Chono-san. I would very much like to be at Komaba campus by five o'clock."

My superior raised his eyebrows.

"My son is having an entrance examination today." I explained.

"I was under impression your son is still in high school, Takaishi-kun."

"It's Yamato, Chono-san. My other son."

He dropped the pencil and began ramaging in his desk, mumbling "Let's see, let's see," as I waited nervously. Finally Chono-san retrived a sheet of paper from the desk and started studying it.

"Very well Takaishi-kun, I believe you can leave the office early today. I see here there's an article you and Nakamura are working on though. Do you think he'll be able to finish it on his own or should I assign someone to assist him?"

"He'll be okay I'm sure," I smiled and bowed my head slightly. "Thank you very much, Chono-san."

"You're welcome. Wish your son the best of luck," he said and returned to studying the paper.

Stuck in the jam, I was drumming my fingers on the wheel wondering if I should have left the office three hours early, just in case. It was quater past four already. This damned stand-still traffic.

I reached out to turn on the radio. And as I did I realized my fingers were shaking.

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He was strumming my pain with his fingers

He was telling my life with his words

Killing me softly with his song

Killing me softly with his song

Telling my whole life with his words

Killing me softly with his song

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Oh no. Cursing under my breath I turned it off and lit a cigarette, then rolled the window down just a little to let the smoke escape. Damn it. Now this stupid song is going to haunt me for the rest of the day.You know how it is, you hear it somewhere and it gets stuck in your head, revolving over and over, you keep humming it and can't seem to stop? That was the case.

I sighed and threw my head back, closing my eyes.

It was yesterday during the lunch when Keru broke the news for me.

"He's making this big fat deal out of it," he said, happily attacking his dish of noodles and chicken. "I mean sure it's an important exam, but Yama-chan have already passed the theory test, you know, stuff about notes, history of music, solfeggio or whatever it is called. As a matter of fact he did so well they might be giving him a scholarship. Now all he has to do is to play some guitar for them and he's in. And you know he's good at it. Still, he's all shut up with nerves."

"Is he," I muttered, putting the fork down.

"Yeah Mom I'm telling you, he's freaking out. I went over to their place after school today, you know, to check out on him and Dad, and Yama sticks his head out for a second, goes something like"Hikerusorrygottapractice" and locks himself back in his room. And Mom, the way he looks... it's the shits."

"Takeru!"

"Sorry Mom, but that's how he looks. Pale, sweating, circles under his eyes. Dad told me he has to literally wrestle the guitar away from him so Yama can get some sleep at night. Both of them, actually. And he said he wanted to drive Yama to the campus tomorrow but he would't have it. Sora wanted to tag along, for moral support, you know. Blew her off too. Wants to do it all by himself."

Keru shrugged with a smile.

"I really don't Yama-chan sometimes, I really don't. I mean he's good at this stuff. Correction, he's the best. What is he worrying about?"

There it hit me. Yamato is trying to enter th University of Tokyo, already had an exam, and I, his mother, am learning about it second hand. What is wrong about this picture?

Yamato. Has always been a quiet, reserved kid. Very pleasant and obediant, yet not the type of a boy you'd find running outside kicking the ball or playing hide and seek with his friends. He mostly kept to himself, staying in his room to read or play video games. He wasn't really that talkative either.

Then the divorce came and he shut me out completely.

I still remembered that day in the court, when the judge asked "Ishida-san, which one of the boys do you want to take custody of?" (it was my last day as Ishida), I replied "Takeru, your honor" and watched my older son's face petrify. Later, outside the court house, as we were saying goodbye, he petted Takeru's hair and smiled warmly, telling him to behave and that they'd see each other soon, but became limp and apathetic when I walked over to him for a hug and a kiss. He never returned either, just said "Later Mom" kurtly and ran towards the car where Hiroaki was waiting for him.

That night I stayed up until dawn convincing myself I did the right thing. Keru was only seven at that time and he needed his mother to be around. Besides, Hiroaki, being a workaholic as he is, used to always stay in the studio until eight, nine, sometimes ten o'clock most of the time. How would a kid of Keru's age manage on his own? But then again, an inner voice whispered, Yamato is only three years older than him... That night I stayed up until dawn, but there were countless other nights when I cried myself to sleep.

It's been eight years and Yamato would only visit on my birthday or Takeru's. When he did he would smile and be polite, would hug and kiss me on the cheek, yet to me it looked he was just going through the motions. I used to come over for his birthday maybe two or three times, but with Hiroaki being around all three of us felt uncomfortable. As he entered his mid-teens Yamato stopped celebrating his birthday at home; Keru told me him and his friends would go out to a pizza parlor and have a party there.

We would talk on the phone ocassionaly, but the conversations were short most of the times and didn't go any further than a small chat about school or my or his father's latest reporting.

It was only after I saw a flyer when I came to pick Takeru from school one day I found out Yama was playing in a band. A few days later they performed at some fair or something of that sort; I think I saw Hiroaki in the front row but I wasn't sure - at that time I didn't have the courage to leave the car, not to mention approach Yamato after the band got off stage. All I could do was sit in the car and cry, wondering how my son and I grew to be almost total strangers.

"Hey, would you please start moving! I don't have all day you know!"

A yell and horns blaring brought me back to reality. The traffic was beginning to loosen up. I put out the cigarette, threw it into the ash tray and put my hands back on the wheel.

Eight years. It's been long enough. And I didn't care if he didn't want anyone to be there, I was not going to lose my chance.

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I heard he sang a good song, I heard he had a style

And so I went to see him and listen for a while

And there he was this young boy, a stranger to my eyes

Strumming my pain with his fingers

Telling my life with his words

Killing me softly with his song

Killing me softly with his song

Telling my whole life with his words

Killing me softly with his song

--------------------------------------

It was half past five when I entered the Komaba campus through the main gate; I was half an hour late; on a verge of panic attack I stood frozen, not knowing where to head to. Luckily, a bunch of students who happened to be passing by helped me out.

"Sure, it's on the other side of the park", one of them replied where I asked if he knew where the exam for faculty of Sciences and Art was taking place, and pointed towards west. "You'll see this building, tempolary student activity hall. It's right there."

I thanked him and after a couple of minutes of walking through the park I indeed came out to the hall, a round building surrounded by a neatly trimmed lawn. Further west half-hidden in a haze there stood an ancient pavilion, located on the shore of a small pond.

It started to dribble; I opened the umbrella and hurried towards the hall. As I approached I noticed someone, a slender figure standing outside, leaning against the wall. A few more feet and I could see it was a girl about eighteen,Yamato's age. She was hugging herself by the shoulders trying to keep warm. Her eyes grew wide with astonishment when she noticed me, then a smile appeared on her face. She made a step forward and bowed slightly.

"Good evening Takaishi-san,"

The girl had shoulder-long hair, honey-colored and soft, and bright brown eyes and was dressed in a pair of white running shoes, blue jeans and orange jacket.

"Good evening," I grinned back. "Excuse me, but do I know you?"

"I'm Takenouchi Sora, Takaishi-san. Yamato's girlfriend."

Yes, now I remembered, that cheerful girl I met along with the other DigiDestined when Myotismon invaded Tokyo a couple of years back. Appearently in the age of forty I was getting senile.

"Oh, I'm sorry Sora-kun. I remember now. Come on, get under the umbrella before you catch cold. Why won't you come inside, anyway?"

The girl galnced at me gratefuly and obeyed.

"Well Yamato-chan is there in the hall, waiting to be called in," she explained. "And he did not want me to come with him, so I don't want to upset him, you know? I came here after him but thought I'd wait outside until he's done with the exam."

"When do you think they'll call him in?"

"There are not many people in there," Sora shrugged. "I think it would twenty minutes, half an hour, something like that."

"I see,"

Without any of us suggesting it we started walking slowly towards the pond. Sora kept silent; I too did not feel like talking. So Yamato has a girlfriend. Just another part of his life I did not know about. Just another piece of a puzzle.

Sora and I reached the pond and made our way along the shore, gravel rustling under our feet, mist swirling around our ankles, monotonous sound of rain enveloping us.

"Have you entered Komaba too, Sora-kun?" I asked.

"No, Takaishi-san. I've enrolled into faculty of Medicine, it's at the Hongo campus. I would very much like to become a paramedic."

"It's very noble of you. Do wish you luck."

Sora blushed a little.

"Thank you, Takaishi-san."

"Do me a favor, okay? Call me Natsuko.", I smiled.

"Yes, Natsuko-san."

A few more minutes passed in silence. When we came to a large falt boulder, Sora stopped, took off her back pack, placed it on the boulder and carefuly produced a small plastic box out of there. Inside there was a dozen of norimaki, snacks made of boiled rice and fish rolled in seaweed.

"I cooked those for Yamato-chan," she said a little shyly. "Would you like to try one?"

And what was in my purse? A pack of cigarettes; a lighter; a wallet; a bunch of keys; an eyeliner; a cell phone. The snacks looked delicious, they were rolled perfectly; this girl have probably spent a good couple of hours prepearing them with care. I didn't even remember to buy my son a chocolate bar.

"Yes, thank you," I forced myself into a smile and munched on a norimaki. It tasted great, yet after I swallowed I felt my mouth filling with bitterness. "Um, delicious! Yamato is surely fortunate to have a girlfriend like you who takes such a good care of him."

Sora blushed even more and lowered her head.

"Thank you Natsuko-san," she spoke softly. "But I am sure you know he deserves it."

It felt like a dagger being shoved into a fresh wound. Sora meant something completely different, but to me her words sounded like an accusation. He desrves to be taken good care of. Because you denied him it.

Struggling hard to hold tears back I grinned at Sora and caressed her cheek.

"You're so sweet. Well let's go back to the hall, shall we?"

"He's been called in!"

Sora's voice was a frantic whisper. Long, brightly illuminated corridor was almost empty; there were only a few boys and girls in their late teens sitting along the wall, appearently waiting for their turn. And a quiet melody was streaming from behind a large, half-closed door in the far end of the corridor. I recognized it as "Hijo de la luna", a beautiful Spanish ballad. We almost sprinted towards the door and nestled close to the door; I carefully peaked inside...

There he was, sitting on the chair in the middle of a large room, with his side to us, blond locks falling on his forehead, head lowered, eyes half-closed, lip bitten. Long, slender fingers caressing the strings, extracting gentle, soft tinges from underneath them. He had a pair of shoes on, jeans and a turtle neck sweater. All black.

Without knowing it, I squeezed Sora's hand in mine.

The melody came to an end.

"Very well, Yamato-kun." came a voice from another side of the room, one invisible to us. It sounded like it belonged to an old man. "One more composition and that would be it."

"Yes, Tadari-sensei," my son replied quietly. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a second, concentrating. Then, as his fingers again ran over the strings, he began to sing.

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A lonely room, an empty chair

Another day so hard to bear

The things around me that I see remind me of

The past and how it all used to be

From souvenirs to more souvenirs I live

With days gone by when our hearts had all to give

From souvenirs to more souvenirs I live

With dreams you left behind

I'll keep on turning in my mind

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Suddenly it became hard for me to breathe. Yamato's voice was so beautiful, soothing, yet strong at the same time. This he inheired from Hiroaki, of course. My ex-husband was too in the band in his youth.

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There'll never be another you

No one will share the worlds we knew

And now that loneliness has come to take your place

I close my eyes and see your face

From souvenirs to more souvenirs I live

With days gone by when our hearts had all to give

From souvenirs to more souvenirs I live

With dreams you left behind

I'll keep on turning in my mind

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I was probably hurting the poor girl as I kept squeezing her hand, but I was mesmorised. I couldn't move; couldn't breathe; could not utter a word. It was like he was there all those long sleepless nights when I lay in the dark remembering happy days in the sun we used to have together - him, Keru, me, and yes, Hiroaki too.

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I stood flushed with the fever, embaraced by the crowd

I felt he found my letters and read each one out loud

I prayed that he would finish, but he just kept right on

Strumming my pain with his fingers

Telling my life with his words

Killing me softly with his song

Killing me softly with his song

Telling my whole life with his words

Killing me softly with his song

---------------------------------------

"So beautiful," Sora whispered, and this snapped me out of the trance; unable to hold back anymore, I sobbed. The girl stared at me, confused; Yamato turned his head abruptly towards the sound, but fortunately not fast enough to see me. I ran for the exit.

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He sang as if he knew me in all my dark despair

And then he looked right through me as if I wasn't there

And he just kept on singing, singing clear and strong

Strumming my pain with his fingers

Telling my life with his words

Killing me softly with his song

Killing me softly with his song

Telling my whole life with his words

Killing me softly with his song

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Drops of water were slipping down my face, but it was just rain - I was not crying anymore. With a trembling fingers I reached out into the purse for the cigarettes, then smiled unwillingly realizing what I was doing. You try lighting a cigarette in the rain. Color me a dumb old cow.

"Natsuko-san?" Sora's timid voice sounded behind my back, "Are you alright?"

"Yes I am, sweetheart." I turned around. The girl was standing there with a concerned look on her face. "Sorry I freaked you out like that. It's just..."

She nodded.

"I understand. He misses you too."

I must have misheard her.

"What... did you say?"

I though I said it aloud, but out came only a hoarse whisper.

"He does, of course he does," Sora nodded again enthusiasticly."He told me so himself many times. Why, you thought otherwise? Yamato-chan..."

She was cut short by a look of panic that appeared on my face as behind the girl's back Yamato emerged from the hall. Closing his eyes wearily, he leaned back against the door and tilted his head back. Guitar case fell from his numb fingers. He just stood without moving, taking slow deep breaths,with his eyes still closed. He only opened them when Sora and I walked up to him.

"Yamato-chan,"

"Yama,"

Showing no signs of surprise, he stared at us.

"I did it. I'm in. And Tadari-sensei said they'll give me a scholarship, too."

Sora squealed happily and wrapped her hands around Yamato's neck. He returned the hug, kissing her ear.

"Thanks hon" he whispered to her. "I love you. God, I love you so much. Thanks.

Then, after what seemed like hours Yamato raised his gaze to me.

"Mom."

"Yamato", I managed to croak as my throat went dry. His face was determined and serious as he gently withdrew from Sora, his voice reserved and quiet.

"Thanks for coming too Mom. I do appreciate your suport. I really do."

And before I knew it it were his hands wrapped around my neck, his head resting on my shoulder, his feverish patter sounding in my ears.

"Thank you Mom, thank you, thank you, thank you, you don't know how much it means to me, you have no idea, God Mom, I missed you so much... Thank you, thank you, thank you..."

Then, rising his head and looking me in the eyes, my son spoke those three words I though I'd never hear from him, words that lit up the misty twilight and made me feel warm under the cold September rain:

"I love you Mom."

The End


End file.
